


Swallow Down Your Feelings (Like Tequila)

by Yifera



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, All good and bad things are blamed on Dean, Alternate Universe - College/University, And poor excuses of love confessions, Angst, Eventual Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Misunderstandings, Unrequited Love, meanwhile Dean is oblivious to everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-09-12 01:50:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16863979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yifera/pseuds/Yifera
Summary: Cas was clearly at the verge of falling face down onto the floor and passing out.And there Sam stood, with his brother’s best friend blinking in confusion at Sam’s chest and no clue how to get him back to his dorm room. Who the hell throws a college party so far from the college itself anyway?





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started as a discarded idea for one of the Sastiel Creations Challenge on tumblr, but I ended up writing so much I couldn't really let it sit unfinished. So here we go! Hope you enjoy!
> 
> (Disclaimer: My only knowledge of american colleges come from movies, so if something feels off is probably because I have mixed it with the ones I have closer.)

“Sam...” Cas stopped for a second, softly bobbling his head as he frowned. “The floor is moving.”

Someone laughed loudly by his side, making Cas look up with a little startled jump and trip dangerously on his own feet.

Sam was quick to reach forward and take him by the elbows. When he made sure he had a stable hold on Cas and that his friend wasn’t going to fall anytime soon he turned to stare back at the drunk asshole who was still snickering by their side. He was the same guy who had told Sam just a few minutes ago not to be a party killer when he had taken Cas’ glass off of his very drunk hands... Gabriel wasn’t it?

“Guys, today is a memorable day! Novak is finally drunk!” Gabriel-guy said as if that had been his sole purpose to be at the party.

A chorus of wooing spread through the way too crowded kitchen. When it extended to the people standing out in the hallway, Sam was certain half of them had no idea what they were cheering for. It didn’t take long before everyone dissolved into laugher, and Sam couldn’t bring himself to muster more than a forced half smile to the few people who were actually celebrating how Cas - who apparently was famous for his alcohol tolerance- was so drunk he couldn’t take a step without toppling to the ground.

It wasn’t funny, nothing about this situation was funny.

Sam had never been a party guy. The music was way too loud, the cheap drinks tasted like gasoline, people thought literally _everything_ was a good idea… and his brother tended to disappear into the night to never be seen or heard of again until the morning after.

Like he had done right about now.

Sam usually didn’t mind this particular behaviour too much, he wouldn’t have cared today either if it weren’t for Dean’s stupid stubbornness to take the car keys with him. He should have just gave them to Sam, it wasn’t as if his brother ever held back with drinking at a party... which automatically made Sam the designated driver on ninety-five percent of the cases he was fooled into showing up to one. And still for some reason Dean stubbornly kept holding onto the idea that he was going to be the one to drive his “baby” back… and every time he was proven wrong when he ended up beside her in a state that would probably make their -very tough- mother cry. This time though Sam couldn’t wait until sunrise to get the keys and fulfill his role as the only sober person... not when Cas was at the verge of falling face down onto the floor and passing out.

So here Sam stood, with his brother’s best friend blinking in confusion at Sam’s chest and no clue how to get him back to his dorm room. Who the hell threw a college party so far from the college itself anyway?

“Sam...” Cas called him again, and he was digging his fingers into Sam’s arms now as suddenly every single stupidly drunk person in the room seemed to decide that bumping into him was a great idea.

“I got you, Cas.” Sam was quick to reassure him, deciding he had had enough of this room, he shifted so he could get his arm around Cas' waist. He had to bend his knees slightly in order to put Cas’ arm around his shoulders. “Let’s just get you outside, alright?”

“So tall...” Cas murmured, narrowed eyes now fixed on his hair.

Sam had to laugh a little at his awed tone.

A couple of years had passed since Sam stopped growing, but he perfectly remembered the summer he had surpassed the six foot mark, filled with those moments where Cas hadn’t been able to hide his confusion when he looked up at him and found himself staring at Sam’s chin instead of his eyes. The baffled consternation in Cas’ expression when this happened was actually adorable if someone asked Sam.

That was exactly the same look Cas was wearing right now, and oh, Sam had missed it. With his brow slightly furrowed, lips pursed and narrowed blue eyes... yeah, Cas looked overwhelmingly adorable. But he wasn’t eighteen anymore, should he be thinking of someone four years older than him as adorable? Sam’s insides were having an internal battle between finding an answer for this question and feeling guilty about thinking of this now when he should focus on taking Cas out of there.

Priorities, Sam.

To his mortification, as they finally managed to squeeze through the kitchen and towards a door Cas’ head rolled to the side and against Sam’s neck... which basically meant that if Sam turned his head a little he would have Cas at kissing distance. And that was a big-ass no, Sam Winchester, you do not have thoughts about kissing your very drunk friend. No matter how big the crush is- yes, Sam still called it a crush because anything else was too much for him to think of- you’ve had on him for years or how he’s currently clinging to you, plastered to your side like you're the last solid thing left in the universe.

Just... what did people do in this situations to dismiss these feelings? ...think of dead puppies or something.

Ugh, great, now he felt even more like shit... 

Finally, at a a tortuously slow but steady speed, they reached the backyard. It wasn’t ideal, but Sam wasn’t going to risk navigating Cas through the crowd leading to the front door. Hopefully Cas would feel a little better after getting some fresh air.

Carefully, and only after critically looking at them to be sure no one had puked there, Sam guided Cas down of a short set of stairs, stopping right at the end.

“Come on, Cas. Let’s settle you down for a second.”

“...Sam?” Cas’ eyes where half-lidded and somewhat glassy when he looked up at him, his perpetual frown only deepening as he took in their surroundings. “What happened?”

“You drunk too much, buddy,” Sam said with a sigh, sitting right next to Cas.

Which honestly didn’t make any sense to Sam. It wasn’t like Cas drinking was rare, even when he didn’t actively seek it, Dean had always held an almost sickening love for beer so, as his roommate, Cas was handed one pretty much on a daily basis.

But it was one thing to drink a couple of beers while watching a movie, and another very different thing to try and bottom up every single beer or shot of tequila -or Chartreuse, where had that Gabriel guy came from with that fancy thing?- in a party with everlasting supplies of alcohol.

Sam had been there to witness the last of it. It hadn’t been pretty.

All of it just rubbed Sam wrong. He just couldn’t see Cas actively deciding to get this wasted just for the fun of it... no, that was Dean’s thing.

Castiel also seemed to be momentarily confused by his drunkenness. “Did I? Why would I...?” But then recognition glinted in his eyes and Sam could swear Cas' entire form deflated as he let his gaze slowly fall to the ground. “Oh...”

Sam felt himself panic a little.

He hadn’t realized there could be something wrong with Cas, and he wanted to punch himself right then and there because, really, that should have been his _first_ thought. Maybe it was because Cas had seemed fine yesterday when he and Dean had visited Sam in his new dorm. Cas had even seemed eager to come to the party, which had been one of the sole reasons Sam had decided to come too instead of spending his night finishing unpacking his things...

Now Sam didn’t only felt guilty about not noticing, but also about getting himself a bit lost into the party early in the night to follow Jess into her mighty search of some cheap drink Sam could enjoy. He should have started to look for Cas earlier, maybe then Cas wouldn’t have had to drown his worries in alcohol.

“Cas...” Sam shuffled closer, tentatively putting a hand on his shoulder. “Did... did something happen?”

Whatever Cas was about to say was promptly interrupted by a high pitched voice behind them.

“Sam!”

Sam looked up, and couldn’t help but snort softly at the image that greeted him.

Jess stood at the top of the stairs like a reflection of the chaos inside the house. She had pulled up her hair into a messy ponytail that stood way too high on her head and made long blond curls fall forward and hide half her face... but somehow still kept her wide grin visible. Around her neck several intertwined glow sticks served as a necklace, she had her high heels in one hand, a long drink of something very blue in the other and a very distinctive lipstick kiss high on her cheekbone.

Well, Sam was glad at least someone was having fun.

“I was looking for you! I know you already hate me for all the cheap alcohol I’m making you taste but you _have_ to try this one!” She hopped down the stairs gracefully, as if she hadn’t been dancing and drinking for the last four hours. She slowed down when she saw Cas, her smile dropping. “Oh, sweetheart... is he alright?”

Sam turned around again, Cas had now let his head fall into his hands and was muttering something under his breath while shaking his head slightly. Sam really needed to get him out of here.

“I don’t think he is...” He sighed, wanting nothing more than to ease Cas' worries, whatever they were. He sent an apologetic look to Jess. “I guess you haven’t seen my brother around, have you? He has the car keys...”

“Are you planning on leaving Dean behind?”

“I’m sure he can manage.” Sam snorted. “Basing on his way too cheerful remarks... I’m assuming he very much plans to stay the night with Lisa. If not, he has a phone, he can call me if he needs a ride.”

“Fair enough.” Jess bent down to place the glass of blue monstrosity by Sam’s feet, humming thoughtfully as she started to put on her heels. How could she walk in those? “I think I caught a glimpse of him doing some random bet around the pool to impress a girl... was that Lisa?”

“Yeah, probably... he hasn’t been able to take his eyes away from her. The few times I’ve seen her Dean wasn’t far behind.”

Jess choked out an incredulous laugh. “Wow, smitten much?”

Sam snorted. “Yeah... they go way back, dated in high school and all that.”

“High school, that’s cute.” Jess said and Sam knew she wasn’t being sarcastic. She swatted some curls away from her left eye and shrugged. “Do you want me to search for him? Or I can stay here with your friend while you do so, I’m glad to help...”

By his side Castiel whimpered slightly into his hands, Sam’s hand automatically surged to touch his back in comfort. When he looked back at Jess she was hiding her mouth behind her hand, eyes shining with knowledge and amusement as she looked them up and down. Sam suddenly remembered that even when she hadn't yet been introduced to Cas properly she had known about his “crush” for some time now... well, this was mortifying.

“Never mind.” She said way too lightly. Sam wanted to kick her, softly, but still. Jess pointedly ignored his glare. “I’ll go hunt your brother. I will also try to snatch some water while I’m at it, maybe it'll help.”

That made Sam’s mind go back on track, he sighed, some of his worries fading away like smoke. At least now he could focus on Cas for a couple of minutes.

“Thank you. What would I do without you?”

“Crash and burn.” She said with a last grin before she spun on her heels and climbed up the stairs yet again.

Jess really should stop saying such ominous things in such a cheerful tone. Sam shook his head, but when he turned around to check on Cas his friend was pulling himself up to his feet way too fast.

“Hey! Hey, woah!”

Sam jumped after him, raising his hands and catching Cas when he tilted back dangerously. But this time, instead of leaning on him Cas made a mortified noise from the bottom of his throat and retreated as fast as he could.

Sam didn’t hesitate on following him, he understood Cas might find having to rely on Sam like this humiliating... but he wasn’t going to let Cas’ stupid drunk pride get him hurt.

“Cas, come on. You shouldn’t be standing right now.” Sam kept his tone soft, as if calming a startled animal.

Cas murmured something Sam was unable to catch and shook his head fervently, making his already messy hair now stand in every direction possible... and faltering in his balance yet again. Sam caught him before he could break his nose against an empty flower pot.

Now Cas’ murmurs where much clearer to Sam’s ears, even if they were half-muffled against his shoulder.

“...going to leave with her. I should have known, it was so obvious...”

Sam looked down at Cas, frowning, he still wiggled in his arms but when Sam put both his hands on Cas’ back his efforts reduced considerably. What was he talking about? Going to leave with her...?

Wait. Was he talking about Dean?

After all Dean had been the one to invite Cas to the party. He had been talking about it for the last month, how they could have their first huge frat party with Sam now that he was in their same college. Apparently Dean had been all over Cas about it, insisting he should come too even if Cas wasn’t a huge fan of big crowds. But then when Dean had set foot in the party... pretty much every previous thought or plan had been discarded out of his brain as he had caught a glimpse of Lisa. Apparently she was visiting a friend that was at their same college, what are the odds?

Like in a cheap romance novel Dean had been completely stricken by seeing her again, Sam had never really understood the expression ‘heart eyes’ until that very moment. Dean had literally been unable to focus on anything else but on trying to catch her attention ever since. Which apparently he had succeeded in, if Dean’s stupid ass grin when they crossed paths an hour later had been any sign of it.

It was no secret that Cas and Dean were extremely close, best friends, almost brothers, pretty much glued to the hip despite their different personalities... but... why would Cas be so upset about the possibility of Dean going back with Lisa?

Sam knew Cas had no preference towards genders. And he had been strangely reluctant and vague about dating lately... Could it be...?

Sam’s heart clenched painfully at the thought of Cas having other feelings for Dean, the sensation almost knocking all the air out of him... But he immediately stomped it down and ignored it. This wasn’t about him.

Furthermore, he might be jumping to conclusions, Sam couldn’t actually be sure of what was going through Cas’ mind... For now he only knew it had hurt Cas enough for him to try and drown himself in booze.

Cas was still mumbling.

Sam tried to crook his neck to look at him, but his shirt kept Cas' face hidden. “Cas? What...?”

“ ...and she’s... she’s so pretty, outgoing and funny... look at me instead, no wonder... why did I think...?” Cas was trembling now, the breaths he took between words were shaky and fast. “... pathetic... I’m pathetic.”

That was pretty much all Sam needed to hear. Fuck his life.

“Cas, hey, hey...” He didn’t know exactly when but his hold had turned into a tight hug. “Don’t talk about yourself like that.”

Cas whimpered and didn’t return the hug. “Sam... please. Please, don’t make this harder for me...” He sniffed and pushed weakly at his chest. “I don’t need your pity...”

And as much as it hurt, Sam understood why Cas said that, why he wanted to run away. Sam may have been close enough to Cas to be considered a good friend... but he was still first and foremost Dean’s brother, how humiliated must Cas feel being so vulnerable before him because of Dean? Did this mean Sam hadn’t just been careless by not looking for Cas before? Had Cas actively avoided him and his brother for the whole night?

Sam understood... but he wasn’t going to let Cas think he didn’t actually care about him.

“It’s not pity, Cas.” Sam said, firmly. “You are my friend, I worry about you and... you are hurting. I **hate** seeing you hurt.”

Sam took a deep breath, tightening his hold and letting himself take it in... even if just for a moment. Someone broke a glass inside the house and Sam tried to ignore how the shattering sound felt like an echo of what was happening inside of him.

“Please, Cas...” Sam didn’t care if he sounded pleading now. “You don’t have to talk to me... but at least let me take you back to your dorm.”

Castiel’s body kept trembling like a leaf, and even when Sam knew it couldn’t be because of the weather -taking in that it was the warmest night of the whole month- he still run his hands up and down Cas' back repeatedly, trying to will the tremors away.

“Please, Cas.” He dared to say once again after a minute of silence.

And with another long shaky breath Cas finally leaned forward into Sam, burying his head completely in Sam’s shirt and practically went lax, as if all the strength was abandoning him. Probably only Sam’s arms were keeping him upright at that moment. He didn’t stop shaking.

Sam locked one arm on Cas waist to keep them balanced but kept his other hand running over Cas’ back in small circles.

“Is it okay if I do take you back?” Sam asked softly, not wanting to take Cas’ weakened state as an answer. “I don’t want to leave you alone.”

Cas made an aborted movement Sam wasn’t sure he could consider a nod, then made a little choked out noise and God... Sam hoped he wasn’t crying. After a moment he tilted his head on Sam’s shoulder so he was facing away, leaving Sam only a full view of his disheveled hair.

“...’m sorry...”

“Ssssh... it’s alright.”

Sam shook his head, his heart aching at the sight of his friend, usually calm, confident and straightforward, breaking down this way. He took a deep breath and pressed his forehead to the crown of Cas’ head just for a second.

“It isn’t your fault...”

“...’s not?” He sounded so small, so vulnerable... Sam never wanted to let him go. “But if I were...”

“No.” Sam said, firmly, knowing where Cas thoughts were diverting to. “You are the way you are Cas. And who you are is the most selfless, smart and downright amazing man I know...” And beautiful, and brave, and kind... Sam swallowed all the million things he wanted to just scream to the night air. “Sometimes things are just out of your control. You can’t blame yourself for that...”

Cas sniffed, yet again turning his head so he had his face buried in Sam’s shirt, his ears red. Maybe it was just wishful thinking, but Sam thought he wasn’t shaking as much. He could hear him muttering something along the lines of “...always so good with words...” before Jess came around the corner.

Sam took a good deep breath through his nose to try and calm himself down, the last thing he needed was Jess worrying about him too. To her credit Jess didn’t immediately run to where they were as she took in Cas’ limp form against Sam... but she didn’t contain herself for too long. She was holding a pair of keys in her hand.

“Well, that wasn’t easy!” Jess said as she approached them.

Sam didn’t know what kind of witchcraft she might have used on his brother for him to put his baby’s fate in her hands -Sam thought she was actually going to bring Dean himself here- but the level of respect he held towards Jess had immediately increased about two hundred percent.

“Jesus fuck, thank you so much, Jess. You are a life saver.”

She giggled, too pleased with herself... and then gasped dramatically when she saw the still full blue glass on the stairs. Well, Jess was officially at least partially drunk, if not she would have already known that Sam hadn’t had any intention whatsoever to try whatever that was when he was about to drive.

 

When they got to the right -but completely identical to the rest- building on the huge campus, Cas had almost fallen asleep in his seat.

Sam had tried to keep him up, sometimes by mindlessly talking about nothing, and other times telling him to sip at the bottle of water Jess had somehow found in the insanity of the party, which thankfully was helping Cas sober up... but just as quickly making him loose his battle against sleep.

That’s why, as soon as Sam had the car perfectly parked -that way Dean couldn’t bitch about it later- he quickly got Cas out of his slumber and right back onto his feet. The sooner he could get him to his bed, the sooner Cas could sleep the way he really needed.

Thankfully there was an elevator to the second floor. Unluckily Cas and Dean’s room was on the third one.

The stairs were a bitch to climb but Cas managed to walk up them surprisingly well, even if very slowly and heavily relying on Sam. He was also not talking at all. Sam understood why, he was tired both emotionally and physically after all... but Sam just couldn’t shake the feeling that he needed to say something more. Just going ahead and dropping Cas into his bed then turning around to go to his own room felt way too cold and dismissive.

Sam finally managed to open his mouth when they were in front of the door.

“Cas...” He fumbled with the keys for a moment, glad to have an excuse to not have to look at the man. “I, um... just... I’m sorry I didn’t notice earlier.”

He could feel Cas’ stare on him... and Sam felt physically unable to look back, feeling shy and awkward all of the sudden. After what felt like an eternity Cas cleared his throat roughly, his voice came out twice as gravely than usual.

“You said I shouldn’t blame myself.” A hesitant hand patted Sam’s back once. “Don’t blame yourself either.”

Sam swallowed. “I know but... maybe we could have talked about it...” He trailed off as he opened the door, once again readjusting Cas’ arm around his shoulders.

Maybe that’s what Cas would have needed, someone to talk to... would that actually have helped? Did Cas have someone to talk about this already? Would Sam have been strong enough to do it? Just... hearing it out loud? It might as well break his heart completely. But if that’s what Cas needed... Sam knew he would have sat and listened without a second thought. He still would.

Cas’ chuckle was tired and resigned. “This wasn’t exactly something I wanted you to know.”

_That you love my brother? That knowing you, you have for quite a while now? That you probably weren’t planning on ever telling him cause you know he’s straight? And still you had a depressive breakdown when you found out he was probably going to come back with his high school sweetheart?_

Yeah, no wonder the little brother wasn’t the best person to bring those subjects to. Cas had just implied it loud and clear, he didn’t want Sam to poke around the issue, probably he preferred it if he just left him alone and pretended this night never happened.

Sam sighed, fumbling for the light switch. “I know, I’m sorry, this must be very awkward for you... ah, there we go.”

Finally with some light to guide them, Sam navigated Cas to his bed and helped him sit on the edge. As he sat down on his own heels to look up at Cas’ tired features, Sam just couldn’t help himself from offering.

“But still, Cas... if you ever want to talk, know that I’m here.”

Cas stared down at him for what seemed like an eternity, and Sam realized this was the first time he had seen his face up close ever since he had found him downing all the alcohol he could get his hands on. He didn’t look as desperate or as wild as then... instead now there was something heavier, a deep sorrow shone in his way too blue eyes which were slightly red at the corners. He wasn’t avoiding Sam’s gaze anymore, he took him in with a heavy gaze and slumped shoulders. Cas didn’t just look tired... but defeated.

That’s why his response really caught Sam off guard.

“Not now, tomorrow... maybe.”

Sam blinked up at him, not actually believing Cas was accepting. He was quick to recompose himself and nod. Cas nodded right back and proceeded to let himself fall back into the mattress. The moment his back hit it with a bounce Sam knew Cas was about to fall asleep right on the spot.

So he got up and tapped Cas’ foot before this could happen, giving him a tentative smile when half-lidded blue eyes met his again. Sam knew that any other day he would have blushed with that look on him.

“I’ll take these off, okay?”

Cas only nodded hazily and Sam proceeded to take both shoes off with care, anything else was way too intrusive, way too private... but he could do this. Maybe it would help Cas wake up tomorrow with one less thing to think about.

On the bed, Cas sighed.

“You are way too good, Sam Winchester...”

Sam smiled at him, his heart aching, longing pulsing through him... He wasn’t good, no, he was just selfishly trying to spend more time with Cas. If not, if he were just doing this out of the kindness of his heart, he wouldn’t let himself walk to the side of the bed and brush Cas’ hair from his face.

“I’m really not, Cas...” He mumbled, more to himself than anything.

And Cas... Cas leaned into his hand with closed eyes, a small frown disturbing his completely calm expression. “You are... you really are.”

Sam shook his head even when he knew Cas couldn’t see him anymore, and maybe that’s why Cas kept mumbling, every phrase growing softer and lower until it was a mere unintelligible rumble.

“I... not enough... you said ‘s out of my control, but... even if I had a chance... I really... don’t deserve you...”

Sam froze.

Right there with his hand still on Cas’ cheek Sam could swear his heart stopped working for a full on minute... But when he was able to blink again and choke out a hoarse “What?” Cas was already deep asleep.

Maybe he stood there looking at his sleeping form for minutes, maybe hours, just replaying in his head those last words like a broken record.

What had just...?

_What?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the first chapter of these two idiots, those of you who weren't screaming at the obliviousness might enjoy next chapter, if not... I'm sorry. Because what's next is Cas' perspective.
> 
> If you liked it or want to tell me anything I'm always thrilled to read your thoughts! Kudos are lovely too of course! Have a nice day!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here goes the second one: Cas POV

“Woah! Just look at him go!”

From time to time Castiel glared up at Gabriel in annoyance, hopefully letting him know loud and clear that he was aware of how he was turning this into a drinking game at his expense. Gabriel, of course, remained unmoved by his staring, just laughing loudly and disappearing to steal more liquor.

As time passed though Castiel gave less and less thought to how apparently he was becoming the main entertainment for those directly around him and just started to replace beer for every shot they put in front of him, feeling thankful for the distracting burn it gave to his insides.

“Hey check it out! I managed to get my hands on this bad boy!” Announced Gabriel proudly as he entered the kitchen again, producing a half-empty bottle of green liquid from under his arm.

Apparently it was something quite impressive or strong going by the loud whistles and exclamations it caused around him. Castiel couldn’t care less. That is until Gabriel turned to challenge him into drinking it with him.

And as his mind drifted back to the reason why he was drinking...

“Bring it on.”

He really, _really_ didn’t want to think right now.

º  
º  
º

“Cas? Cas, what are you drinking?”

Castiel ignored the voice coming from behind him and the slightly alarmed -actually very familiar- tone of it. He wasn’t interested in the name of his drink, as long as it served its purpose he didn’t need to know more. But when Castiel brought the glass to his lips he found himself suddenly clutching at thin air. His shot was now several inches above his head... and Castiel knew perfectly well to whom those perfect long fingers holding the tiny glass belonged to.

“Aw, come on, Sasquatch! Don’t be a party killer!” Gabriel complained, there was a loud screech beside Castiel as the man got up out of his chair to face Sam, not that it made a great difference given how distinctively short Gabriel was.

Even when Castiel refused to turn around, he could still feel Sam glaring with disapproval at Gabriel, it was loud and clear in his voice when he said. “Dude, this is way too strong for someone who apparently has downed who knows how many beers and... is that tequila? And Meg just told me that was in less than an hour? Probably half of that hasn’t even kicked in yet!”

Castiel could hear Gabriel grumbling something in response, he knew those words had some meaning... they were English for sure. But suddenly Castiel just couldn’t focus on them. He stared at the table in front of him instead. What a nice table this was. Shiny light wood. Maybe he should get a table like this, it felt nice and cold to the touch. Someone had spilled something bright red on it, well, that was definitely not nice... Oh, was that Sam’s voice? How long had Sam been behind him? Castiel couldn’t think of a single reason not to turn around and say hi to him. After all, it was always nice to see Sam.

He had to lean precariously in his chair and tilt his head back in order to be able to look at him clearly, but it was worth it, it was always worth it to look up at Sam... Castiel had never found men taller than him very attractive, it was uncomfortable to always have to crook his neck to talk to them and they usually displayed a sort of annoying cockiness about being able to tower over Castiel easily.

But Sam... sweet, caring Sam... he would never use his tallness for something like that. Sam even crouched sometimes, as if he were trying to look smaller and unthreatening. No need for that though: everyone loved Sam. Or they should. Was there someone out there who didn’t love Sam? Gabriel was standing right besides the tall young man, with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face, he didn’t seem exactly pleased with Sam as they loudly bickered with each other... did Gabriel not like Sam? He should take matters into his own hands if that was so...

Castiel got up, decided to defend Sam’s honor from those who dared to even think he wasn't anything but the nicest tall person to ever walk planet Earth...

...Why was the floor moving?...

º  
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º

His arm was around Sam’s shoulder’s now, very, very tall shoulders... could shoulders be tall? Was that something to be said about body parts or just Sam in general?

Sam... so tall... so handsome...

There was a soft vibration against his side. Sam was laughing. Why though? Was Castiel speaking out loud? Some part of him really hoped not... the rest just balanced between the giddiness of hearing such a happy sound from the young man and the confusion of not knowing why he was standing on his feet. Oh, there were his feet... they looked so small and clumsy next to Sam’s. Suddenly white tiles shifted to dark wood. Where were they going? He tried to ask Sam but he only managed to roll his head on his shoulder and shamelessly get lost in his profile, quickly forgetting whatever he was going to say.

º  
º  
º

Suddenly he was no longer inside.

The lack of music and loud chatter made Castiel painfully aware of the piercing whistle ringing in his ears. He tried to shake his head, but it only made it worse. He was leaning on someone... Ah, no, never mind, now he was sitting.

He tried to look around but it didn’t help too much, it was too dark and his eyes just wouldn’t focus... but there was someone right beside him, whoever he was must have been the one to take him here...

“...Sam?” He couldn’t be too sure as his eyes were still getting used to this new place... but that plaid shirt was very, very Sam, and Castiel was sure he had been with him not so long ago... He took a shot. “What happened?”

The voice answering was definitely Sam, Castiel felt himself relax slightly. “You drank too much, buddy.”

Had he? That didn’t make much sense, but Castiel knew Sam wouldn’t lie to him, and it explained why he felt so disorientated... But why would he get drunk? The few times Castiel had in his teenage years had never ended very well, and since then he had continuously and verbally made his point clear about not doing it again. Even today he had entered the party not with the intention to drink but to...

Oh.

It was because of Dean.

Because he had believed him.

His mind drifted back a few weeks.

  
_The exact moment Sam stepped out the door Dean turned around, serious as a heart attack._

_“We need to talk.”_

_Something about the intensity of those words made Castiel want to either run away or try to apologize, which he did even when he had no clue why... but Dean kept unmoved through his concerned stuttering, pinning Castiel with a stern look until he finally agreed to sit down, nervous and confused by his best friend’s sudden change of behaviour. His next words though were what made Castiel instantly understand and his heart fall to his feet._

_“I know, Cas. I’ve known for a while… you are not doing a great job at hiding it.”_

_Castiel’s entire body shut down, paralyzed as a deer caught in the headlights. He didn’t even try to play dumb, he had no doubt what Dean was talking about, he just lowered his gaze in shame, wishing lighting would strike him right there and bracing himself for the anger or punch he was probably going to receive from his best friend._

_Dean sighed._

_“Don’t look so scared, Cas. I’m not mad, do you really think I’m that much of an asshole? Or that bad of a brother?” When Castiel turned to look back up, Dean shook his head and pointed at him. “What I am is disappointed! Why didn’t you tell me? And why on earth aren’t you doing something about it?”_

_Castiel couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Dean thought it was alright? Not only that, was he... cheering him on? Dean kept talking, walking around in long strides._

_“Just... let’s get this straight, you are... this is serious right? Not just a little crush or something?” When Castiel nodded there wasn’t much of a reaction from Dean, as if he had already known. “For how long?” He asked instead._

_Castiel fidgeted a little before answering. “Since he turned nineteen.”_

_Dean spluttered, eyes going wide, Castiel thought if there was a moment Dean would be angry at him for being in love with his little brother, it would be now... and indeed, he got angry, just not for the reasons Castiel was thinking._

_“Two years? Dude, seriously? I mean... what the hell Cas? I thought you were straightforward about this stuff! You should know you can’t just sit around and wait for something to happen!”_

_Castiel shook his head slowly._

_“I’m not... I’m not expecting anything to happen, Dean.”_

_Dean threw his arms into the air. “Of course you aren’t...”_

_After a moment his pacing stopped. When Dean looked back at Castiel there was worry in his green eyes, his tone much softer now._

_“Cas, man... look I… I’m sorry. I know I should be more chill about this, whatever you do about it, I know it’s your call and I don’t want to overstep... But... well, you know, it’s Sam and you and...” he scratched the back of his neck, almost embarrassed. “Dude, for a while I thought you two were actually dating and just hiding it from me.”_

_Castiel blinked back at his friend for a few moments, momentarily awestruck at how supportive and open he was being about the whole thing... Something heavy that had been attached to him for way too long vanished from Castiel’s chest and he almost choked on how he felt cherished and relieved and... wait, Dean thought he and Sam had been dating? Dean kept talking before Castiel could order his thoughts._

_“I know! I know! But I had my reasons, alright? Your stupid smiles, looks and overall pining got me confused! So what? I was trying to respect your apparently non-existent privacy, sue me!”_

_“That’s not...” Castiel huffed a breath, he knew he hadn’t been very subtle but... for Dean to think that he had been dating Sam? He must have been straight out drooling at the sight of him. Castiel rubbed his temples with his fingers, feeling very tired all of the sudden. “He’s not interested in me, Dean.”_

_Dean gave him a look, the same look Sam gave Dean when he was being too stupid for his own good._

_“Cas, you dense idiot. I didn’t just assume that you two were dating because you made heart eyes at Sam at every damn occasion... I can assure you, it’s pretty damn mutual.”_

 

And Dean had somehow convinced him this was true. Told him to pay closer attention to how Sam acted around him and when Castiel tried he had thought he saw... Well, he had thought Dean had been right.

_“Just give it a shot, Cas.”_

Castiel had been gathering his courage for days, trying to find a way to do something about it. He had been trying to figure out how to start, what to say... how could people do this flirting thing in such a natural way? Shouldn’t he be filled with confidence now that he knew he might have a chance? Instead, the same moment Castiel decided he should give it a shot, suddenly Sam looked twice as devastatingly handsome than before, Castiel’s wits practically melted into a puddle of nonsense every time he faced him, and starting a conversation that could include some tentative flirting felt like the equivalent to voluntarily jump off of a bridge.

Against popular belief Castiel really didn’t think that a party was a good scenario to start a relationship, after all loud music and overpopulation weren’t good set-ups for either conversation or privacy... but as those last days had proved that Castiel was rendered completely useless in either a normal conversation or when alone with Sam, well, it wouldn’t hurt to try.

Castiel had also been mentally preparing himself for Sam to let him down gently... because no matter what Dean said, that was also a possibility, one Castiel wasn’t foolish enough to not consider.

  
_“What if it’s not what it looks like, Dean?”_

_Dean didn’t look very convinced about that possibility. Eventually he shrugged. “Well, what’s the worst that can happen? Sam will love you the same, dude. Even if he can’t respond to you that way.”_

 

There was a hand on Castiel’s shoulder now, big and warm, but not as warm as the voice of it’s owner. “Cas... Did... did something happen?”

Yes... something had happened, something Castiel hadn’t been preparing himself for, for he hadn’t been aware that it would hurt so badly if it did.

“Sam!”

Sam turned his head to look back, his worried expression shifting into a fond soft smile... and Castiel couldn’t look at him anymore. It was her, the girl he had seen him hand in hand with at the party. She had dragged him around, her blinding smile lighting up the room and only getting brighter when she looked back at Sam... and Sam followed her, accepting with a playful indulgent expression every time she turned to share her drinks with him, standing close to her and laughing softly even when he was clearly not enjoying the rest of the party.

Something dark and possessive had curled in Castiel’s chest at the sight, exploding and expanding like a disease through his veins.

As if on autopilot in a matter of seconds Castiel had turned on his heels and managed to stumble into a -blessedly- empty bathroom, hiding there as he tried to will away the ugly thoughts forming in his mind, thoughts that the lovely couple certainly didn’t deserve.

Because they were, a lovely couple.

It wasn’t like Castiel to judge people by first impressions but... anyone who could make Sam look as relaxed and at ease deserved a chance. He said this to himself as he fought with the crippling pressure in his chest and the tempting but utterly wrong knowledge that he could swallow the heartbreak if he let it turn into spite, if he blamed it on the unknown beautiful girl... No, he couldn’t do that. He _wouldn’t_  do that to Sam.

Minutes had passed, until the dull echo of the party only felt like white noise, and as Castiel had uncurled from the white tiles and slowly recomposed himself he had felt ashamed, selfish, but most of all, childish. Why couldn’t he just be happy for Sam? Like he was for Dean. He had been happy for him when he had found Lisa at the party, even if it did made him feel a little lonely when Dean had left his side to go after her, he could manage just fine, because Dean was happy. Why couldn’t he do the same thing with Sam?

He clearly wasn’t strong enough. He had felt anything but strong at the time.

Castiel had avoided Sam’s presence from then on, he had run, he had wanted to forget and -fueled up by Gabriel’s “drink to forget, pal”- he had thought alcohol could help him achieve that. And hadn’t that been a marvelous decision? Here he was now: disoriented, drunk and depressed as fuck. Thanks, Gabriel.

Why couldn’t he just mourn the loss of something he had never had in a way that wouldn’t make his friend worry? Now Sam wouldn’t leave it be until he knew what had gotten Castiel like this... and how could he tell him? There was no place here for his feelings. They would just be a burden for him, for the beautiful blonde girl who was currently offering to help Castiel even if she probably didn’t even know his name.

Castiel buried his face in his hands and wished to disappear. What a disaster. He didn’t deserve Sam’s worried eyes, he didn’t deserve him wasting his time on Castiel when he should be having fun, he didn’t deserve this girl’s kindness when he had thought badly of her only hours back...

Mostly, he knew that now, even if he ever had a chance with Sam, he didn’t deserve it.

Sam was young and handsome, just started college and was eager to learn and experiment like all people did at his age. What business would he want with a senior who barely talked or went out of his comfort zone? Even if he happened to like men too... Why would he ever want to consider his brother’s obnoxious best friend?

He had to get out of there, he had to get out of the way.

But suddenly Sam was reaching for him, like a magnet, hazel eyes fixed on him with unyielding focus. Castiel backed away from his touch with growing confusion. Where was his girl? No, no. Sam had to be with her. Castiel tried to explain but he tripped on what he could guess were his own feet... and then Sam was holding him.

He tried not to cry.

Sam’s arms were so strong, firmly keeping him in place and against his chest as if he belonged there. Sam’s soft concerned voice resonated through him like a wave and Castiel knew he was probably babbling nonsense but Sam had to know... he had to understand Castiel had no place there. Why did he ever think he could? Acting like he was? He was pathetic.

“Cas, hey, hey...” The arms around Castiel only tightened. “Don’t talk about yourself like that.”

Castiel couldn’t stop the whimper that erupted from him. No, no, he couldn’t... he couldn’t do this. He tried to put distance between them but his arms were barely responding. “Sam... please. Please, don’t make this harder for me. I don’t need your pity...”

But Sam wasn’t leaving, even when he knew now, he wasn’t asking why or when or telling Castiel he had no chance with him. Why was Sam holding him closer?

“It’s not pity, Cas.” Sam said, his voice, while staying soft and gentle, didn’t leave any room for question. “You are my friend, I worry about you and... you are hurting. I _hate_  seeing you hurt.”

Acceptance, compassion. Of course Sam was able to look further. Scoop Castiel out of the darkness of his own mind and take him as he was. And wasn’t he right? They... were friends. Wasn’t that important?

Some twisted spiteful part of him still wanted Sam to reject his presence, to leave him alone with his unrequited feelings and sorrow, leave him with the thought that he couldn’t be close to him anymore if Sam didn’t respond to him but... Why?

Castiel had watched Sam grow up, had grew up with him. They shared holiday trips near the sea alongside with Dean, early mornings of rushed study and late nights of silent contentment sprawled on a couch as they talked, read or watched a movie. And now Castiel felt ashamed, ashamed he had even thought that these feelings, no matter how achingly devastating they felt at the moment, could wipe out so many years of their lives. To think that Sam wouldn’t care, that he would reject him. Dean had said so too.

_Sam will love you the same. Even if he can’t respond you that way._

I’m sorry, he tried to say. Sam shushed him sweetly.

He tried to explain it was kind of his fault. If he were stronger... he could have handled it. But Sam interrupted him.

“You are the way you are Cas. And who you are is the most selfless, smart and downright amazing man I know... Sometimes things are just out of your control. You can’t blame yourself for that...”

And Castiel didn’t have the strength to deny it, nor the focus.

º  
º  
º

When he come back to his senses he was in the familiar setting of Dean’s Impala, the slightly worn-out leather seat feeling soft and familiar against his fingers when he pawed around for a second or two in hazy confusion. There were huge hands firmly set on the stirring wheel right at the edge of his vision, and even when Castiel knew perfectly well who they belonged to, it still felt strange to turn and not find Dean on the driver’s seat. Even then it still felt warm, familiar and a little bit like home. Castiel tried to ignore the dried tear tracks on his cheeks and the sad embarrassed edge aching on his chest, to just bask in the soft purr of the car as Sam drove them smoothly through the dimly lit streets.

Sam seemed completely focused on the road, but there was something else there, a slight frown and some stiffness in the tight line of his lips. Castiel could almost hear him thinking, and given the none-existent traffic at this hour of night, it wasn’t hard to guess what was on Sam’s mind.

And indeed, not a lot of time passed before Sam’s eyes strayed from the street and landed on Cas, quick, natural, as if he had been checking on him every ten seconds since the ride started.

Maybe he had.

Castiel couldn’t deal with that at the time. Instead he decided to fully play the drowsy tired role of someone who’s drank too much, barely saying more besides some incoherent mumbling and spacing out when from time to time Sam softly poked at his side for him to drink some water. It was easier this way, he didn’t have to start talking yet.

It wasn’t as if Castiel was really faking it either, he did feel like shit... but there, surrounded by leather and the low purr of the engine he at once blissfully relaxed and painfully sober. And he didn’t feel ready yet.

But when they got out of the car, the line of Sam’s strong shoulders firm against his arm as the man helped him out and into the empty hallways of his dorm, Castiel could feel the question growing in the air. Sam was practically itching to say something and it wouldn’t take too long before he did. Castiel was running out of time.

As tired and dizzy as he felt he still tried to use the time he had to gather up his wits for whatever it was that was going to be said. Sam hadn’t even asked one question yet, what would it be? For how long? Does Dean know? Will it be awkward between them from now on?

But Sam, as always, surprised him.

“Cas...” Sam was at the verge of dropping the keys while trying to find the right one with only one hand, the other secured around Castiel. He looked nervous, embarrassed... but most of all, why did he look sad? “I, um... just... I’m sorry I didn’t notice earlier.”

And that was so Sam. Taking the blame for something that wasn’t even remotely his fault. For not noticing something that Castiel had tried his best not to show. So fast to regret not knowing his friend was in love with him when most of the people in his shoes would have wished to never find out. Castiel couldn’t have that.

“You said I shouldn’t blame myself... Don’t blame yourself either.”

Still Sam frowned, probably working out scenarios, past moments, thinking what he could have changed... Sam’s brain just wouldn’t stop working. That was one of the things that Castiel had always found so mesmerizing about him.

“I know but... maybe we could have talked about it...”

Castiel couldn’t help the low chuckle that bubbled out of him, even for Sam that was a large stretch for a possible past scenario. How awkward would that have been? How unlikely? Besides...

“This wasn’t exactly something I wanted you to know.”

Castiel regretted saying it almost immediately, Sam’s expression fell, and was it possible for his heart to break even more? Here was Sam, trying to offer support and helping his drunken irresponsible ass to his bed, and Castiel couldn’t even play along. He wanted to apologize but Sam talked quickly before he could even open his mouth again.

“I know, I’m sorry, this must be very awkward for you... ah, there we go.”

Light suddenly pouring through the room left Castiel momentarily blind and disoriented, and before he knew it, he was sitting on the edge of his bed.

“But still, Cas... if you ever want to talk, know that I’m here.”

Sam was sitting back on his heels in front of Castiel now, their height difference reversed temporarily as Castiel looked down at him and took him in, tiredly letting his emotions run freely as they pleased for once. He knew those feelings were unrequited, that he would have to learn to deal with them and eventually let them go... but even when he felt defeated and lost at the thought, what was he really loosing right now?

Sam was still utterly Sam, warm, gentle and familiar, no matter the heartbreak or sadness he was feeling now, Castiel knew that he never wanted to loose this man. Not for his stupid feelings, or his stupid reaction when finding they were as unrequited as he had first thought... he wouldn’t give up what he had with Sam for anything. And here was Sam, offering just that. How could he say no?

But his feelings were way too present now, still bleeding and raw, and Castiel knew he was too tired to be able to talk about them without potentially crying again. “Not now, tomorrow... maybe.”

Sam’s eyes widened in surprise but he was quick to nod, Castiel knew he hadn’t been waiting for him to agree... but Castiel hoped Sam was just as willing to believe it could work out. It had to. He wouldn’t lose Sam. Castiel barely nodded back before he just let all his weight fall backwards into the blissfully cool and soft mattress. It felt way too good, almost engulfing him into comfort and sleep... he almost didn’t felt the light tap against his foot.

When he managed to focus his vision again Sam was smiling softly at him. “I’ll take these off, okay?”

Oh, shoes. Yes, those were a burden. Castiel barely had strength to keep his eyes open but he still looked as Sam took off each of them, not simply pulling them off by brute force but taking time to loosen them bit by bit to finally slide them effortlessly from his feet. Castiel'a mind drifted back to so many other moments similar to this, to how Sam put others over him, over and over... how many times had he done that for him? Castiel couldn’t even count them. It was a nice thought.

“You are way too good, Sam Winchester.”

And there it was again... Sam smile turned sad, too sad. Castiel wanted to ask why but his eyelids dropped without his consent when Sam’s hand brushed the side of his face.

“I’m really not, Cas...”

How someone so good could have so little self-esteem Castiel would never understand... but Sam had to know, Castiel would say it over and over again, every day from now on if necessary.

“You are... you really are...”

He was inevitably drifting away now though, he might have said something else, he may have not... but Sam’s touch lingered on his cheek and followed him into his dreams. Constant and warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you liking it so far? Leave me a comment! Kudos are lovely too of course :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I have expressed my love for my beta in this story so far and that's unforgivable so I LOVE YOU KITHOURGLASS, I WOULD SQUISH THE LIFE OUT OF YOU IF WE WERE IN THE SAME CONTINENT. 
> 
> We'll be changing POVs twice in this chapter, hope you enjoy!

What?

What? What had just happened?

Sam stumbled and grabbed the table near the bed for balance.

Had Cas just... Had he been talking about him? All night long? All his stutters and self-deprecating words… had been because of Sam?

Or had Cas just confused his words? Did he think in his drunken stupor that he was talking with Dean all of a sudden?

No, no that couldn’t be... he had said Sam’s name, hadn’t he? His full name.

But then what?

The strange thought that maybe Cas liked both him and his brother crossed his mind. It wouldn’t be unlikely given Cas was very open about loving freely... But why... why would he bring it up now, when it was clear he was grieving for Dean? It was clear. It was, wasn’t it?

And in any case why in the world would Castiel think he didn’t deserve to try to be with Sam? Had Sam given him the impression that there was no chance he would want to be with Cas?

Sam had no answer for any of the questions his brain was screaming at him, and after what felt like hours of being paralyzed besides Cas’ bed he finally exited the room and paced around aimlessly, his heart and head hammering in sync like war drums. He knew he was shaking too and after some agonizing moments where he felt like he was going to involuntarily burst into screams in the middle of a hallway —full of tired college students, who would probably join forces to end his suffering if he woke them up— he turned to stomp down to the bathrooms on the first floor.

He had to put some distance, just to breathe... but he couldn’t leave the building. He felt physically incapable of doing so.

Sam splashed water onto his face a few times, getting half his hair damp in the process, strands of it sticking to his face as he looked at himself in the mirror. Wide eyes looked right back at him... He looked terrified.

Sam couldn’t say he wasn’t.

He couldn’t even begin to know how to handle this. It was already hard enough before, but after Cas had said those words? What was he supposed to do now?

“You don’t know what he meant,” he repeated to himself, over and over. “You can’t know...” But still, hope was rising, slow and constant like a forest fire, and while he should feel relieved or excited or joyful, Sam only felt dread.

Because he couldn’t know. He couldn’t know what this was. He couldn’t let himself believe a few sleepy slurred words meant Cas liked him. He was very familiar with the aggressive and devastating feelings that came when hope appeared and was immediately crushed, and it was one of the only things he could feel his heart wouldn’t be able to take right now. He couldn’t let himself hope.

And where would it leave him if Cas actually liked him? After all his friend had to deal with tonight? What if it all had been Sam’s fault?

Sam planted both hands on the sink, commanding himself to slowly breathe in and out, looking down so he wouldn’t have to face the million changes his expression was going through. At some point, maybe seconds or minutes later, Sam’s brain stopped buzzing, only the running water was left echoing in the bathroom and after a moment, he closed the faucet so it would stop too.

The complete silence that overtook the air felt at once soothing and overwhelming.

Sam stared at the sink some more as the water drained and disappeared. He stared and stared until his brain rebooted and started working again.

He had to go back.

Sam ran his hands through his wet hair, feeling tired and somehow in need of banging his head against a wall. Hell if he knew what to do or how to act around Cas now but... he had to be there for him. That was really the only variable that wasn’t going to change, not after how awful the night had been for him, not when Cas was probably going to wake up feeling like shit and regretting every second of it... Sam had to be there for him.

Sam looked back up at the mirror, as if looking for approval from his own reflection.

God, he was a fucking mess.

 

.

 

Just like most barely functional human beings who tend to bury their troubles in alcohol, when Castiel woke up feeling like he had been run over by a truck, he made an oath to never drink again.

Somehow with his eyes firmly closed against the way too blinding light around him Castiel managed to crawl out of the bed and into the bathroom without tripping over too much furniture, the part of his brain that was working acted like a beacon, making him crave the slightly darker space of the small room. He half closed the door before ungracefully stumbling over the tiles and against the toilet. At least he found the cool surface of it somewhat soothing against his skin.

He wasn’t feeling nauseous, not yet at least, but the sick edge of anticipation in his stomach was more than enough warning. So he sat on the floor with both hands surrounding the toilet like a long lost lover, just waiting.

After what could have been minutes where Castiel barely tried to risk opening his eyes more than two times, his over-sensitized hearing picked up footsteps outside the door.

That was probably Dean. Wait no, Dean was... somewhere else. Right? Yes, yes, he had to be with Lisa now. But maybe he was back already? Castiel wasn’t really fond of the idea of being seen this way, Dean would definitely find a way to make him feel embarrassed about it, even when most times it was him who ended up like this... but Castiel wouldn’t turn down some help.

“Dean?” The croak that came out of his throat was barely a word.

The steps came to a halt, followed by a long second of silence that made Castiel try to open his eyes again, now a bit worried it wasn’t actually Dean and there could be an intruder in his room.

“No, um, sorry to disappoint?”

“Ah.”

Castiel almost laughed, but following the gentle tentative voice came several flashbacks of last night, rolling around his head along with embarrassment, regret, pain... Castiel had never been jealous of those who forgot their drunken nights, he had always been one to clearly remember every part of it. Now that felt more like a curse. He groaned, letting his forehead rest against the cool porcelain as he tried to keep his stomach where it was.

“No… you are more than fine, Sam. I... apologize for the view.”

Sam sighed, half concern half something else.“Don’t say that, the view is... holding up pretty well all things considered.”

“I suppose, still...” When Castiel managed to open an eye, Sam was already crouching by his side, frowning, Castiel could almost feel him vibrating with concern. He made an attempt at smiling. “Water could maybe help?”

Though barely, Sam smiled back, producing out of thin air a bottle of water without even moving from his spot, and there on the bathroom floor Castiel might be falling in love all over again. Which was kind of tragic given the circumstances.

“Do you want to stay here? I can help you up if not.” Sam said gently, unscrewing the cap before offering the blessed liquid.

Castiel shook his head slowly, the thought of having to stand up already making him dizzy. “Let’s see if I can hold the water in first.”

“Sounds good.”

Sam didn’t say anything else and Castiel curled over himself after a few tentative gulps, trying not to dwell too much on how Sam just sat beside him to wait.

“Did you...?” Castiel was trying to find stability on his thoughts, to clear his mind. “Did you stay all night here?”

“I, um... yes, I crashed on Dean’s bed for a while.” Sam said, Castiel was beyond grateful he was keeping his voice low.

Castiel frowned, drank a bit, and managed to open his eyes halfway. “A while... what time is it?”

“I think the sun just came up.”

“Oh fuck...”

Castiel groaned, propping himself up slightly with his hands on the floor to rest his back against the wall. In front of him, Sam raised both eyebrows, a tiny smile pulling at his lips, Castiel didn’t usually swear unless he was extremely tired, both Winchesters found this to be highly amusing.

“I’m sorry, Sam. You didn’t have to stay.” Because he didn’t, Castiel was grateful for how Sam was handling everything, but he didn’t want his friend to feel like Castiel’s state was his burden to bear.

Sam shook his head, slowly. “I wanted to.”

Castiel was so used to his pinning for Sam that the longing that spread through his chest wasn’t anything but familiar, now he just needed to learn how to extinguish the hope Dean had planted there.

“...fuck him.”

Sam let a surprised little sound and Castiel groaned because now he probably had to explain himself.

“Who?

Indeed.

“Dean. Fuck him.”

Sam laughed lowly, amused but with a nervous edge. “Okay...” He said slowly. “Why so now?”

“He is a major idiot.” Castiel mumbled somewhat childishly, thinking about how many burgers he was going to make his best friend buy him, not like Dean wouldn’t probably do it without him asking but that was beyond the point. “I love him, but this is all his fault.”

“...I see.” Sam’s voice was even lower now, more neutral, his expression slowly relaxing and tightening at the same time.

Castiel sighed, now exasperated with himself, because every time Sam wanted to hide something, he just closed up... Castiel had seen it happen more times that he would have wanted to, both brothers were very similar in this.

“I am sorry, Sam... You don’t want to hear this.” He let his head fall backwards against the wall, the light tap against his scalp felt more painful that it should.

“No, no, Cas--”

“It’s fine, Sam. I do not want to make you even more uncomfortable about this matter. I am completely hangover and my emotional baggage has apparently turned into emotional annoyance, please forget what I said I just need some time to --”

“Cas.” A hand fell on his knee and when Castiel tilted his head to look Sam had his eyes closed, when he opened them he smiled softly... but his gaze was sad. “Don’t worry. I said you could talk to me, and I meant it. Just, let it out, okay?”

Castiel might have been even a bigger idiot than Dean, because no matter what he just said, he could never say no to Sam’s sad hazel eyes.

“Alright...”

Cas cleared his throat then, looked away, licked his lips... and basically did everything else that made a silence stretch uncomfortably. The hand on his knee squeezed slightly and Castiel couldn’t believe he actually relaxed a bit because of it. The childish annoyance came back.

“Dean. He’s the culprit.”

There wasn’t any real heat behind his words, not against Dean personally at least, and Sam seemed to be aware of this as he kept unmoving and extremely indulgent, saying “okay” as if he were talking to an upset child.

“With his cunning words, stupid charisma, he tricked me into believing...” He gestured with his hands helplessly but eventually let them fall at his sides in defeat, the tiles felt almost freezing against his fingers. “If he hadn’t encouraged me I wouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. I would have been fine if not--”

“Wait.” Sam frowned. “Dean led you on?”

Castiel huffed, remembering Dean’s dumbfounded surprise and indignation when Castiel had said he had no chance with Sam.

“Quite.”

Suddenly Castiel’s childish desire to rant about Dean’s faults quietened to a mere hum as he saw that Sam was slowly but surely getting... angry. And that wouldn’t do, he couldn’t let Sam think Dean was _really_ at fault there.

“It is annoying and embarrassing, but of no matter anymore.” He shook his head, trying to wrap up the subject as quickly as possible. “Please, would you help me up, Sam? I want to brush my teeth.”

With a fluid graceful movement Sam was on his feet in a second, he extended both hands and helped Castiel up. Castiel was just grateful Sam kept his hands on forearms and elbows when Castiel tripped a little. His legs felt numb and trembled slightly, but finally Castiel found balance on the sink, Sam took a step back then, and with his frown back in place, he insisted.

“How can you say that?” Sam crossed his arms. “Leading you on, that’s... mean. To say the least.”

Castiel couldn’t help but feel cherished by Sam’s quiet anger, even if it was misplaced.

He hummed through toothpaste, and waited to rinse before answering, already feeling a bit better after the bitter taste was replaced with fresh mint.

“I’m sure that wasn’t his intention, even when he was unnecessarily persistent, in any case...” He turned the faucet so he could also wash his face and, hopefully, look at least partly alive. The light wasn’t hurting his eyes as much but Castiel still rubbed them at least twice before fumbling for the towel. “We both know Dean wouldn’t keep his opinion to himself on something he believes to be true, he would have told me sooner or later.”

“I don’t think he -- what?” There was a pause before Sam spoke again. “Cas, what did he do exactly?”

Castiel sighed, feeling somewhat cleaner now, but still extremely tired. He just wanted to go back to sleep now, no matter all the damned sunlight pouring through his room.

“Does it really matter?”

“...yes?” Sam’s voice was confused now, wary, as if he didn’t know where he was standing anymore.

Castiel turned around, leaning on the sink for good measure. If he had to say these things out loud, at least he would try to make it quick. He couldn’t really look up at Sam but decided that a point in the middle of his chest was as good as he could manage.

“He told me he thought you liked me. That he thought you had for a while, and that I should have done something earlier, that... you looked at me just like I look at you.” The words felt even worse than he thought they would, sadder, bittersweet, knowing now that those statements weren’t true he felt like a fool for ever believing them. “He told me to give it a shot but... well, I obviously did not get to that when I saw you with, um, Jess, wasn’t it?” He tried to smile, but it probably didn’t work.

At least the last clinging rays of hope were disappearing, burning away like embers in a fire-pit. The words made it all real. Final.

But Sam wasn’t saying anything. He just stood still in front of Castiel, his chest wasn’t even moving. There was nothing to clue Castiel into his reaction beyond that maybe he had stopped breathing -which was concerning- and somehow, as scared as he was of what he would find, Castiel managed to look up.

Sam was blushing.

To say he was blushing was an understatement, he was completely scarlet red up to the tips of his ears, mouth half agape and eyes open so wide Cas could see the golden specks in them.

“Does that— are you saying that—?” Sam stuttered, Castiel had never seen him so flustered, it threw him off balance. “Y-you are— you like _me_?” One of his hands covered his face and Sam turned in place, suddenly fidgeting as if he couldn’t stay put, like a cornered confused animal. “Oh my god— did I make you think—? B-but yesterday you said— Jesus fuck—”

“Sam?” Seeing Sam moving aimlessly but steadily backwards, Castiel took a step forward. “Of course I like you, didn’t you... already know that? What’s wrong?”

“Y-you do... oh my god, you _do_ —” A half incredulous laugh escaped Sam, mostly muffled by his hand, and Castiel would have felt hurt if past all the confusion Sam didn’t sound so... happy. Then Sam’s expression fell. “Jesus fucking christ, oh, I’m such a piece of shit...”

Castiel stepped closer. “Sam, what are you talking about?”

“I didn’t think-- I wasn’t hoping -- but because I didn’t ask, I hurt you...”

Sam was shaking and whatever it was that was building in the air, Castiel found he was shaking too. “You didn’t, Sam. You helped me... why—? Why are you reacting this way now?”

Sam stayed silent for what seemed like an hour.

“I...” He breathed deeply. “I thought it was Dean.”

“What?”

“I thought you were in love with Dean.”

Castiel felt completely lost, like when he was a kid and others would laugh at how he couldn’t catch up with simple references, he felt twenty steps behind and at a loss of when or where he should begin walking. So he walked towards Sam.

“Sam... what--?”

“And Jess, what does she have to do with this?” Sam said, eyes clearing a bit, still trembling like a leaf.

“Aren’t you... with her?” Castiel wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

“You thought—? No, no, Jess is just—” Sam was moving out of the bathroom. “I swear, Cas, I had no idea. I-if I had— then yesterday— jesus fuck I am so sorry...”

There was too much sunlight now, too much to take for his blood-pumping brain, all the burned out hope reemerging all at once like a flaming bird. And it was too much, and Sam kept walking away.

Castiel blindly grabbed at him.

“Stop!”

Sam did, he stopped, and Castiel’s world spun. Literally, for his busted up senses. But Sam caught him before he could fell. He always did.

“Cas? Oh god, I’m sorry, I—”

Castiel grunted in protest before he could finish, his eyes closed tightly as he tried to will his head to stop spinning. He gripped Sam’s forearms tight, reciprocating the strength with which Sam was keeping him on his feet.

“I think I need to... lay down.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay.” Sam said gently, slowly guiding him a few steps forward and then down.

When his head touched the pillow Castiel could feel sleep calling up to him like a siren, but he fought it with a shake of the head, he threw an arm over his face and hissed against sunlight. Where was Sam? He wasn’t...?

A peeling sound resonated loudly in the room for just a split of second, and suddenly there wasn’t much but a thin horizontal line of yellow crossing the room. Castiel rotated his head, he didn’t know what Sam had used to cover up the window but he didn’t actually care at the moment, he could open his eyes freely now.

Sam stood in front of the window, his silhouette dark gray against the only light coming into the room, he was half turned, his arms too stiff at his sides and Castiel knew his friend was about to run away.

“I-I probably should...” Sam started, nervously, gesturing at the door.

“No.” Castiel said as firmly as he could manage, it ended up sounding more pleading that he had intended. But he couldn’t let Sam walk away now. “Please... just... I don’t want to leave things like this.”

“Cas... I—”

“I don’t... I just want to talk, I feel like we should?”

Because Sam’s words made it sound like he was taking blame for everything. Actually, Castiel didn't know how he hadn’t realized yesterday that Sam thought Castiel had been hurting for someone else, because of course Sam would feel guilty about this sort of thing. He would immediately blame himself for Castiel’s pain. That's just how Sam Winchester worked. Rational and collected about other people. Quick to take all the blame when it involved himself.

And also... he couldn’t stop thinking about how Sam had reacted when Castiel had mentioned Jess... as if they weren't... Castiel didn't want to let himself hope. But maybe it was a little too late for that.

Castiel tried to prop himself up on his elbows, but only managed to crawl a bit further up onto the bed, his muscles aching, and Castiel wanted to groan in frustration at his weakened state because there was no time now for that. “You can stay right there if you want, Sam. I understand if now that you know it is you, you don’t want—”

“It’s not that, Cas— God...” Sam let out a shaky breath, his shoulders slumped down. “It’s not that. I swear.”

“Why go then?”

A bitter smile crossed Sam’s face, his next words confirming what Castiel had already deduced. “I just feel like... I’ve done more than enough already. And you need to rest so...” Sam let his head fall forward as he trailed off, his hair covering up his features.

Maybe it was the thought of Sam walking out that door, of drifting into sleep and waking up alone, with Sam farther away that they had ever been since they were children. Maybe it was just that Castiel wasn’t used to asking for anything for himself. Whatever it was, Castiel had to swallow against the lump in his throat a few times before he could choke the words out.

“I don’t want you to go.”

He held Sam’s gaze when it shot up to meet his. A complete silence filled the room. It almost felt charged, alive, as if the air had been replaced with a weird pressing energy that streamed between them.

Castiel extended a hand.

“Sam,” he whispered, hopeful and painfully tired. “...come here?”

And Sam did.

He moved so slowly it felt as if suddenly they were underwater, but he eventually reached the edge of the bed. It took a couple of seconds more before Sam sat down on it, leaving a gap between the two of them that felt way too big.

But any hesitation growing on Castiel’s part was promptly forgotten when Sam reached and took Castiel’s still spread hand. Sam was still shaking, but it felt a bit different, like a hum or a very light tremor. Castiel weakly pulled, and Sam went down next to him without any fight.

It felt unreal, as if he had fallen into a strange twilight zone, to feel his bed creek and adjust to both their weights. With Sam’s features only several inches away, half obscured by the dark of the room, in contrast with some strands of hair and the line of his neck, both brightly delineated by the single ray of light sneaking into the room.

Both lay there silent. Silent against all the words that had to be spoken. Castiel had to open his mouth several times before his voice managed to come back to him.

“Sam, please... I don’t know what— I am so tired...” He murmured, as if the air around them could break if he raised his voice again, he felt sleep still insistently calling him even when his heart was screaming against it.

He reached forward and grasped the edges of Sam’s sleeves, hesitantly going up to find his shoulders when Sam didn’t flinch or try to stop him.

“Please, tell me... I don’t want to get it wrong.” He swallowed thickly. “Was I wrong yesterday?”

It wasn’t sudden, laying there with Sam made everything feel slow and quiet, he felt every inch of movement when Sam’s arms surrounded him, pulling until he lay flush against him, his head on Sam’s chest. Castiel could feel Sam’s breath against his hair, and his heartbeat resonating strong and quick against his cheek. Castiel’s whole body curled forward, craving the contact, drinking it all up like a thirsty man in the desert. This close Sam’s voice travelled through Cas in waves.

“I don’t know... I don’t know what you were thinking yesterday, Cas. I feel like maybe we jumped into conclusions too fast.” Sam sounded just like Castiel felt, scared and hopeful and confused. “But... about what Dean said to you. Yeah, he was definitely right... I like you.” A broken little laugh and again, “God, I like you so much, Cas.”

Castiel whimpered, clinging to Sam’s shirt with both hands, feeling warm and like he was on the verge of crying.

“Have I fallen asleep?”

Sam chuckled and held him tighter. “Not yet... but you look ready to.”

And he was, Castiel could feel he was only a second away before his brain would unmercifully shut off, but he had to stay awake... he needed to... Castiel clawed his way up as much as he could, until his nose was on the crook of Sam’s neck, he pressed his forehead there, skin on skin, so it felt _real_...

Sam was softly asking whether he should go again, Castiel shook his head and surrounded wide shoulders with his arms, wanting and not finding the strength to grip Sam tight.

“No, no, please, Sam...” He whispered, mind already drifting away. “Please stay...”

A shaky exhale shot warmth against his temple, lips pressed against the line of Castiel’s hair.

“Yes... yes, Cas, of course.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more to go for these two! Please do tell me what you think so far, I will love to read it!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've reached the end! Thank you for sticking around to the last chapter of this little thing, hope you enjoy!

The distinctive electric guitar of “Back in Black” resonated through the room, harshly ripping Sam out of his light sleep. He groaned and cursed his own choice of a ringtone as he rolled slightly on his back, patting his trousers until he found his phone.

“Hello?” Sam grumbled, blinking hard to try to shake off the lingering sleep. He went to rub his eyes with his other hand but found it was pinned to the bed.

“Finally! At least one of you is alive!” Dean’s voice came way too loud through the speaker and Sam had to flinch away from it for a second.

“Uh... yeah, barely." It was then that Sam looked down and realized what was keeping his left arm flat to the bed... was Cas.

The man stirred a little, probably awakened by all the noise, freeing Sam’s arm when he rose his to rub at his eyes. Sam felt warm.

“Did I interrupt your beauty sleep, princess?” Dean joked, clearly not apologetic about waking Sam up.

“Shut up,” Sam scoffed but it came out soft as he stared down at Cas. He had to battle with his brain to keep his attention on the conversation instead of on Cas’ profile. “Um, do you need a ride back here or something?”

“Actually, I might later. For now, I think I’m going to stick around here.” He could almost hear Dean smile, it wasn’t hard to guess where he was. But before Sam could congratulate him or something his brother kept talking. “Anyway, I didn’t call for that. Dude, were you with Cas last night? I lost track of him, and Lisa tells me he didn’t look in good shape when she saw him last.” He tried to keep it casual but Sam knew when his brother was concerned.

“I... yeah, I was with him,” Sam sighed feeling guilt come back. “He drank too much and... yeah, that might have been my fault.”

Cas rolled a little on his back so he was now facing Sam, slowly opening his eyes to look up at him in sleepy confusion. And Sam wanted to apologize again.

He moved his hand across the pillow, brushing his knuckles the ends of Cas’ dark hair.

“...Sam? What did you do?” Dean said.

Cas tilted his head up, accepting the touch.

“Almost fucked it all up by not asking, apparently.” Sam barely mumbled back.

Understanding flashed through Cas expression then, and after a second he reached up slowly to take Sam’s hand in his own, slowly squeezing it... and that felt a little like forgiveness.

“Sammy, I swear to god...” That was pretty much Dean’s gruff way of asking ‘should I be concerned or go kick your ass?’.

Sam took a deep breath. “It’s okay, Dean... we both know now. I’m here with him.”

Castiel smiled then, as if the simple reminder made him happy, he lowered his eyes for a moment as he brought Sam’s hand closer to him, until he could press his lips softly to the back of it. Sam was sure his heart tried to double flip to get out of his chest.

“Oh.” Dean fell into silence for a second. “So... everything good?”

“Yes, yes, can you text me whenever I have to pick you up?”

“...you aren’t listening anymore are you?”

“Yeah, okay, bye.”

Sam ended the call, leaving his phone somewhere on the bed. His full attention turned to the man laying down beside him, who was now apparently suffering from a shyness attack as he attempted to halfway hide his face behind their joined hands.

And holy shit they were holding hands. Even when they had basically just slept snuggled together after confessing they liked each other— this tiny little gesture and Castiel’s chaste kiss... it made Sam finally realize, this was happening.

“Hey,” Sam said, the darkened room compelling him to lower his voice although it was probably already past noon.

“Hello, Sam,” Cas said, equally low.

“How do you feel?” Feeling brave Sam reached to brush some strands of hair away from Cas’ face.

Cas closed his eyes, smiling softly. “Much better, thank you.”

Sam hummed, re-positioning himself a little so he could comfortably lean his shoulder on the headboard and look down at Cas. The silence was cozy and peaceful, and after a few moments where both just basked in it Cas opened his eyes again. He hadn’t let go of Sam’s hand.

“It’s not your fault what happened yesterday, Sam.”

Sam tensed a little. He was used to Cas being blunt, it was one of the many traits that weirded out some people and made Sam and his brother like him even more. And as much as they liked to deny it, it also helped them out of their usual Winchester dynamic of not talking about stuff and burying feelings deep inside until they exploded.

Even so, it was still hard to face it when it was directed straight at him. Sam looked away but Cas’ hold on his hand made it hard to really put much distance between them.

“I should have asked...” Sam couldn’t help his mind from going back to how his friend had been yesterday, miserable, lonely, heartbroken. “If I had, if I had at least said something more then you wouldn’t...”

“I was already drunk when you found me.”

Sam looked back down at Cas, frowned at his unworried expression, a bit frustrated at how apparently he thought Sam was exempted of any fault. “But aren’t you mad that I didn’t at least, I don’t know... try?”

Sam couldn’t help but be angry at himself. He had been so focused on hiding his feelings from Cas that he somehow had managed to make him believe he wouldn’t have a chance with him. Sam really wanted to bang his head against the wall.

“Even if that would have made us realize our mistake sooner, no.” Cas was serious, not hesitating in any of his words, as he looked up at him with big earnest eyes. “You did what you could with what you thought you knew. It’s called not taking advantage, Sam. You know that. You know you did the right thing. I won’t ever blame you for something like that.”

Sam had to breathe deeply to stop himself from denying Cas’ words, and deep down he thought maybe Cas was right. Maybe this was just his way of punishing himself for not knowing sooner. For not having been able to prevent such an epic misunderstanding between them. And that was a whole different fucked-up loop of thought.

Cas held his hand tighter, and when he looked down there was so much unabashed affection in his expression Sam forgot his self-loathing thoughts for a second.

“Sam, do you—?”

Whatever Cas was about to say was promptly interrupted by a loud knocking at the door.

Sam jumped a little while Cas grunted in pain, automatically bringing a hand to his head, a bright reminder that he was still deeply hungover. Sam stared for a moment at the door, half panicked, half irritated at the way the insistent knocking continued fast and hard without even stopping for a fraction of a second. What the hell was that about? Was there a fire or something? Sam started to roll to get out of the bed, but before he could the door burst right open.

“Novak! Hope you're decent, I have something that you might—”

It was the Gabriel guy. Who —obviously expecting only Cas— took a second to blink in surprise at Sam, still half sitting in the bed. In the same bed as Cas.

“Oh.” A big ass grin was quick to lighten up the man’s face, and Sam didn’t like the mischief on it one bit. “Well, well, if it ain’t Samoose!”

Before Sam could even blink back or think about frowning for the nickname, two things happened at the same time. The guy suddenly took off just as quickly as he had appeared, and Cas bounced and flew from the bed, dashing out of the room just as fast to follow him into the hallway.

Sam’s reflexes kicked in just a little late as his brain only managed to think, _what the actual fuck_ for a few seconds.

When he reached the door though, they hadn’t gotten too far. Probably because Cas had the guy pinned to a wall with an arm twisted to his back. Sam blinked a few times, not quite understanding either what was happening, nor how Cas could summon the strength right now to have done so.

“Gabriel, don't you dare,” Cas was saying between clenched teeth, looking completely disheveled and pissed as fuck.

“Aw, come on Cassie!” Gabriel whined as if Cas was taking candy from him, he tried to wiggle away without much success. “Ow ow ow ow... Isn’t this, like, great news? I wouldn’t have thought you would be one to be ashamed of such nice catch!”

Somehow the guy managed to look back at Sam and wink at him. Sam was only able to frown back, still mostly speechless with whatever was happening before him and trying to understand whether this was a fight or a quarrel between friends.

“There is nothing about Sam to be ashamed of,” Cas grumbled, clearly and dead serious. And if Sam had been thinking about some way to intervene, right then it just melted into a pool of goo with the rest of his brain.

“Okay... care to explain why you are trying to break my arm then?”

“You have a reputation about spreading rumors,” Cas said, adjusting his firm grip on the man’s arm, and Sam flinched a little because rumors... good or bad, he had never been very fond of them. “I would rather prefer if none of them involved Sam.” Despite his polite phrasing, Castiel’s voice and expression promised pure murder. “It is none of your business to pretend to know about him. Or us, for that matter.”

“What? You still need time to plan your eloping?” Gabriel’s grin immediately turned into a pained grimace as soon as he said those words. “Owowowowow, okay, okay, none of my business, got it! I haven’t seen a thing!”

Cas took in the smaller man with narrowed eyes for a second before slowly taking a step back. Gabriel immediately slipped away from his grasp, walking backwards in the opposite direction and rubbing at his arm.

“Well, that was fun! It’s been a while since I got you so pissed, angel!” He looked a lot more cheerful than anyone who had just been threatened should probably ever be.

“Consider it a thanks for getting me drunk,” Cas looked completely unmoved, as if this situation was something that happened every other week. “Also don’t go into my room like that again.”

“I still think you came out victorious...” Gabriel smirked, gaze trailing back to where Sam was standing. “But if you're still grumpy about it...” His hand shot up and something small and black flew towards Cas, who managed to catch it in his hand without loosing too much balance. “I think we're even now!”

Sam was able to barely look over Cas’ shoulder to see it was a cell phone.

“My phone... I left my—”

Cas looked up, maybe to thank Gabriel, maybe to ask where he had found it, but the hallway was already empty. A heavy sigh left Cas, he rubbed at his temples for a second before turning to Sam.

“Let’s go back inside, please.”

Sam was quick to take a few steps back so Cas could get into the room and close the door. Cas immediately leaned against it, the darkened space visibly already making him feel much more relaxed.

“I am sorry about that, Sam. Gabriel loves gossip and if I had let him...” Cas sighed again, he wasn’t raising his eyes to look at Sam, as if he were embarrassed about what had just happened. “I’m usually fine with it, but I didn’t want him to assume anything if you—”

Sam didn’t let him finish, and maybe it was rude, maybe he should have waited and talked like a normal person. But he didn’t, because he couldn’t just stand still and see Cas start to get self-conscious about something that had been one of the sweetest, coolest, most spontaneous things someone had ever done for him.

So Sam stepped forward, reached for Cas face with both hands, and leaned down to kiss him.

It was short, too short, barely a firm press of lips. A tiny sound of surprise left Cas just as Sam pulled away. It wasn’t as if Sam didn’t want to just press Cas against the door and kiss him all day long... he just needed to look at Cas’ face, look at his now wide open blue eyes to know if it was alright. If this was alright now. If he hadn’t somehow fucked up by rushing into it.

It took Cas a second of searching Sam’s face with something Sam could only describe as awe before a toothy grin overcame his expression. A hand grabbed at Sam’s t-shirt and firmly pulled him down again.

Cas’ lips were slightly chapped and full and perfect. Sam allowed himself to melt into it this time, to grip Cas’ face in his hands and hold on for dear life because his head was already spinning. Cas wasn’t hesitant to push against him, to grab the back of his neck and press upwards to deepen the kiss. Somehow he still tasted like mint toothpaste and tequila.

They didn’t go far when they pulled apart maybe minutes later, hovering inches away as they caught their breath. Cas took longer to open his eyes, and when he did they were almost liquid blue.

“I guess that means that we are on the same page...” Cas whispered, toothy happy grin back in place, and Sam’s heart just flip-flopped all over the place. Because right in that instant he couldn’t come up with anything that was more beautiful. Sam caressed the ends of Cas’ jaw with his thumbs, wanting to take it all in and burn it into his brain permanently.

“I love you,” he blurted out.

And for a fraction of second, Sam panicked a little. Because he had never said that to anyone before, because he knew it was not something you usually say to someone this early...

But then it was Cas who was taking Sam’s face in his hands and his lips were back and everywhere, pressing against his lips, jaw, cheeks, eyelids, nose... Cas created a chain of quick continuous kisses that made Sam dissolve in surprised laughter after mere seconds. Cas kissed his laugh too.

“You still have to tell me how you reached the conclusion that I was in love with Dean.”

Sam couldn’t help but laugh wholeheartedly, he felt so light the thought of yesterday’s master fuck of a misunderstanding only left him slightly embarrassed now. He buried his face on Cas’ shoulder and laughed a little more.

“Okay but then I’ll expect you to tell me why you thought I was dating Jess.” Sam murmured against Cas’ t-shirt.

Cas nosed at Sam’s neck before answering. “Touché.”

Sam sighed in contentment, surrounding Cas with his arms and relaxing, wanting to just stay like that for hours. “Do you think Dean will be upset when we tell him?”

“Either that or he will laugh for a whole year.”

“Ha, he will _definitely_ laugh,” Sam groaned, but he guessed he kind of deserved that. “Oh, damn, speaking of Dean,” Sam straightened up, looking back to the covered window. “I should probably put that back.”

With a lot of effort he managed to step out of Cas’ embrace and reach for the window, he could hear Cas snort softly behind him.

“Did you use one of his posters to block the light?”

Sam shrugged, peeling the edges of the paper from the window frame with care, light immediately started to fill the room as he did. “I’ll leave it where it was, he won’t notice.”

“Have you met Dean?”

Sam chuckled. “True. But I gave this one to him. Also, I reckon from your complaints that it’s his fault there’s no curtains here so...” He flattened it against the wall on the other side of the room, running his hands over Def Leppard’s logo until he felt it looked perfectly straight. “He can’t really complain.”

When Sam turned again Cas was rubbing at his eyes as he tried to adjust to the change of light, his hair was sticking basically in every direction. Somehow unsure of how to approach him again when he looked so damn adorable Sam decided to take the time to tidy up Dean’s bed. He had slept there before after all, it was a bit of a mess.

“Hey, are you hungry?” He asked as he straightened the wrinkled sheets, probably sounding way too casual. “We could go down to The Roadhouse and grab a bite or something, if you’re up to it.”

Castiel nodded distractedly but then blinked up at Sam, a knowing smile forming on his face as he crossed his arms and leaned back into the door. “Could it be... this will be... a date?”

Sam scratched the back of his neck, of course having a relationship with Cas was going to be anything but straightforward, especially after their start yesterday. He didn’t actually mind that much.

“I mean, given we both know now we're into each other,” he said as if it was no matter, though his racing heart didn’t seem to think the same. “It’s, you know, the most logical thing to do.”

Cas hummed, pretending to think it over for a second before he walked towards Sam, stopping way past what could be considered the limit for personal space. His blinding smile was back and Sam swore he was going to get addicted at seeing him look so happy. “Indeed, extremely logical.”

I was hard to kiss someone with one of those grins you can’t just pull down, but Sam did it anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's that! I don't know about you but I'm proud of these dense dorks, may they have tons of days together with half the misunderstandings and all the love.  
> I am also quite proud of having finished a multi-chapter fic! Thank you so much to my ever-so-lovely beta and to everyone who left a comment and kudos! I will love you all forever, and that's not an exaggeration.  
> Hope you have a great day wherever you are! Peace!


End file.
